I sat outside at a table at my favorite restaurant, Coffee Shop, on the corner of East 16th street in Union Square, smoking a cigarette as my auburn hair blew violently in the wind. I was waiting for my soon to be ex girlfriend. Her name's Skyler and we've been together for about two months and that's a bit too long if you ask me, so I figure it's time to cut the cord while I still can. Heh.
It was a perfect fall day. Like P-E-R-F-E-C-T, it wasn't too cold or too warm it was perfect, the wind making the leaves that had fallen on the ground twirl about in the streets like mini tornados. I loved it, so I took out my camera and snapped a picture. Sweet. Just as I finished taking that great picture Sky walked in. she smiled and sat across from me.
"Hey, babe! What's going on?"
"Hey, Sky"
"So…what'd you need to talk about?" she asked obliviously.
"We need to break-up"
"Um, excuse me?" she said her face falling.
"I'm sorry." I said flatly.
"No, Ollie. Please, what's going on?? Please let's just talk this out, we can make it work! Please!" She pleaded her face scrunched up in pain.
I looked at her apologetically and walked away, lighting another cigarette as I went.
I walked down to St. Marks and walked down towards one of my favorite parks, Hudson River Park, and stopped on Charles St and walked into my best friend Trevor's house. I walked into the building, nodded hello to his neighbor and walked up the stairs two at a time. I knocked on the door, then let myself in. It sounded like he was in the shower so I walked through the mess of art supplies and weird knick knacks that cluttered the floor. I smiled as I turned the corner and saw the framed picture he had hanging in the hall to his bathroom and bedroom. It was a picture of a few people falling towards the ground, snow twirling along with the wind in their hair. I had a smug smile on my face as Trevor got out of the shower.
"How conceited are you, staring at your own art. Sheesh."
"Oh shut up, I was just thinking about how fun that day was. And I was wondering how and why you still have it up? Doesn't it depress you, seeing it every day?"
"Well in a way, yeah. But it more reminds me of how fun it was back then."
DEUX
When I left Trev's apartment I was high out of my mind and running late for work, luckily I only work a few blocks away at a used CD store. I walked into the store my boss looked at me knowingly and laughed.
"You too, eh?"
"Yeah, man. I needed an escape…"
"Don't we all?" he laughed and walked out.
As I clocked in I thought back to that picture, it had been a while since I'd been at Trevor's place, so it was sort of a surprise to see it. It brought back a flood of memories. I missed those days and most of all I missed Elise. Her perfect smile, her caramel skin; her chocolate brown hair, and her amazing hazel eyes. The fact that I could no longer see her, hear her soft musical voice and her adorable and addictive laughter pained me almost to tears.
It was then that a girl tapped me lightly on the shoulder I whirled around startled with a look of bewilderment on my face, as it registered that it was just Ronnie, Skyler's sister and my roommate.
"Hey Ronnie, need help?" I asked stupidly, knowing that she wasn't there looking for a CD.
"You know the answer to that you idiot." She said angrily.
"I'm sorry"
"Oliver, do not bullshit me right now. I didn't come here for that, She's hurt and I want to know why the hell you did this to her. You don't let yourself be close to anyone. How long have I known you, and seen you break numerous hearts of girls that don't deserve it and I can't believe that I thought that you'd changed for my sister. The minute she moved here you were sucked in and I thought you'd changed. I hadn't seen you look at a girl like that for a while and I thought everything was going fine. And you pull this? How can you expect me to be able to still be your best friend after this?"
"I don't. I'm a horrible person and I'm not saying this so you pity me I don't deserve it. If you want I'll go talk to Sky but I don't know what good it'll do. I can't continue seeing her."
"You've been like this ever since Elise D-"
"Don't! okay? Don't I won't go into that with you." I said harshly blinking back tears.
"Ollie.." she said softly looking me in the eye.
"Ronnie…I'm sorry. Please tell her for me. I just can't deal right now."
"Okay…I'll see you at home."
"Yeah."
After she walked out of the store I called my boss and asked him if I could call someone else in or close early because I was feeling extremely ill.
"…yeah I'll make up the hours next week. I'm sorry. I just feel like shit right now."
"No, sure go ahead! Man, you're my best worker you're fine. Go home."
There was no one in the store so I locked up quickly and got on the train to go back to my Williamsburg apartment.
When I walked inside I heard it before I saw it. Ronnie was watching some video we'd made two years ago.
"Ronnie. Turn that off."
"No." She said quietly. I could tell she was crying.
"Ronnie. Please."
"Oliver, you cannot keep hiding from this forever. I know it hurts but you have to deal. She's gone okay?! She died! She's never coming back"
"I gptta gp" I said turning around to walk out, but before I could get that far she grabbed me hard and swung me around.
"Oliver! Please. You're my best friend. I can't bear to see you this way. I don't even understand what brought this on! I mean you've been fine forever. You've been off the drugs and cutting down the alcohol and you've seemed so good. I just..don't understand!" she said crying even harder.
That was the point where I truly let go and felt myself falling to the floor. And when I thought I would be crying, I was in hysterics laughing.
"Ollie, what the fuck."
"I'm not fine. I haven't been for forever. And I find it funny that you think I have been."
"What're you tal-"
"I've been doing coke since the first anniversary of Elise's death. I don't drink that's true but I still do coke and I'm slowly dying inside…The fact that I've lived this long without her is amazing" I said smiling.
And for the first time ever Ronnie smacked me.
"What the fuck, Ronnie?!"
"Get out!"
"What?"
"Get. The. Fuck. Out."
"Are you serious?"
TROIS
I walked out of the apartment and got back on the train. I got off at union square and walked around. I checked the time and saw that it was twelve AM. Where had time gone? I took out my phone and called Trevor.
“Hello?” he answered groggily.
“Trev, man. I’m sorry but I need to crash to night, I’m a mess and I have nowhere to go.”
“What happened to your apartment?”
“Ronnie kicked me out.”
“Ooh that’s rough. Come on over man.”
“I owe you” I said grabbing a taxi.
When I got to his house I explained everything to him.
“Geez man…I didn’t realize it was that bad. I mean I abuse but that’s me…you don’t need to worry but you? I never realized how often we were doing it.”
“That’s ‘cause I wasn’t coming here to get all my fixes. I didn’t want anyone to know how bad I’d gotten. It’s the only thing that’s been keeping me sane all this time.”
“Figures…”
“What do you mean?”
“Elise meant the world to you. I would be on the same page as you if it had happened to me.”
“Ugh…I gotta pee.” I said walking into the bathroom. I pulled my baggie out of my jean pocket and got one of the razors lying on the counter and snorted three small lines.
* * * *
I opened my eyes and I thought I was hallucinating. I was in an all white room and there was a really irritating beeping noise that would not stop.
“Can someone PLEASE make that fucking beeping stop?”
“Oliver!"
“What?”
“You’re okay!”
“Of course I am, what’re you talking about? “ I said confusion was coloring my face when I noticed that it was Skyler I was talking to,“what are you doing here?”
“Nice to see you too…”
“I didn’t mean it like that and you know it. But where’s Ronnie?”
“She’s not talking to you”
“Right, now can you please explain to me why I’M here?”
“You overdosed”
“Right, okay.” I said closing my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose,“where’s Trevor?”
“In the lobby. He was hungry.”
“Can you go get him? I need to talk to him”
“No problem.”
“Thanks”
I waited for Trevor to take the place of Skyler and I was anxiously trying to figure out how this happened I mean the last thing I remember was doing my lines in the bathroom, but I mean I’ve done that many lines in a row before and this has never EVER happened. It’s scary. I haven’t been to the hospital since Elise. I hate them. I promised myself that’s id never force myself to enter one again and here I am breaking promises all over the place.
“Oliver, man…what the fuck?”
“Me? What the hell is going on??”
“You went into the bathroom and didn’t come out for like a solid half hour so I’m like…what the fuck I mean you only said you had to whizz. So I knocked on the door and it opened a little and so I opened it all the way and you were slumped over the counter with like a 50 piece bag next you. Empty. Gone.”
“You’re Joshin’ me right? I only did three lines!”
“Then you did three humongous lines. Because that shit was GONE”
“What the fuck is happening to me,man?”
“I don’t know man, but you’re definitely going to rehab.”
“No.”
“Yeah dude, it’s been set up. You’re goin’ to California to live with your brother. He lives like a block away from a rehabilitation center. It’s all paid for. I’m taking you to the airport as soon as you get out of here, and he’s picking you up. And you’re not allowed to come back to NY until your clean.”
I had absolutely nothing to say to that. I felt betrayed; all I could do was glare unhappily out the window.
QUATRE
I pulled a cigarette out of my pack and lit it inhaling the nicotine feeling the smallest of weight being lifted off my shoulders. I watched, my eyebrows furrowed together as the smoke coiled around in the air and floated above my head. I blinked and looked down the street as our ride arrived. Thinking we were going to be taking a cab or a shuttle of some sort I was surprised to see the familiar green Volkswagen Jetta pull up to the curb.
“Trevor…what the hell?” I said as Ronnie pulled her car up towards us.
“When she heard you were going to rehab she volunteered”
“I’m not getting in that car.” I said angrily turning to walk away.
“Oliver. Stop being a douche and get in the goddamned car.”
“fuck you” I mumbled stomping out my cigarette and walking faster towards the train station.
“Oliver, get the fuck back here.” She said starting her car again following me as I got closer to the train.
“For what?!” I screamed “I know how to get to the damn airport.”
“Mhmm right, ‘cause that’s where you’re going.”
“You’re right, I’m not going there.” I said running into the train station, down the stairs. I hopped over the turnstile; luckily there was no one in the booth and no police around to see. I made it to the queens bound N train right before the doors closed.
I fell asleep on the train for god knows how long, it was a long ride, but I woke up to some old lady gently shaking me awake, we’d arrived at the last stop.
“I hope this is your stop young man, because it’s the last one.” She said smiling a bit.
“Oh, it is, thank so much for waking me, you’re so sweet” I smiled back at her and gathered my things. When I got downstairs I walked into the McDonalds that was adjacent to the train station, sat down and pulled out my phone.
“Hey, Ricky? What’s good? I need a 20 piece.”
“Nigga, I gave you a 50 piece yesterday I aint sellin’ you shit, mif you die that on me.”
“Since when the fuck do you care? You’re a dealer!”
“Okay, but, you my nigga and I aint gonna let you go like that.”
“how about a dime?”
“fine, but you use that shit wisely. I aint sellin’ u shit for a while”
“arrite”
“where you at?”
“McDonalds by your house.”
“iight. Be there in 5. Peace”
“Bye” I hung up and went outside for a smoke. As I smoked I thought about what kind of a mess I was getting myself into, I was supposed to be going to rehab. I was a coke head. Worse than before, I had failed Elise, and that was the one thing I never in a million years but what the fuck was I supposed to do? Whenever I thought of quitting or doing right by Elise I got the shakes and my stomach would start to hurt.
“Yo! Oliver! You look like shit! What the fuck happened to you?” Ricky said dragging me out of my reverie.
“Oh, I’ve been up all night”
“Oh iight. That makes sense. Here.” He said passing me the bag in the sly way only drug dealers can master.
“So where you off to my dude?”
“I’m heading to my sister’s house, she has a spare room I think.”
“Ooh, why you not goin’ to your crib?”
“Because I got kicked out, and they’re looking for me.”
“For what? You rob a bank?”
“Nah, man they wanna send me to rehab, so I jumped on the train and they don’t know I have a sister in queens”
“Ohhhhh, yous a smart nigga.”
“Hah, thanks.”
“iight man, well I gotta be out, my girl is waiting for me at her house” he said laughing and giving me a pound.
I smiled to myself as I walked down the block and turned right towards 41st street.
CINQ
When I got to my sister’s house I hesitated at the walk way, then remembering I had no other choice walked up to the door and knocked. I heard footsteps as she came down the hallway, laughing at something someone else, I guessed her boyfriend has said. When she opened the door she was still smiling, though when she realized it was me who stood infront of her, her smile turned into a frown immediately.
“Hey, sis”
“Oliver…what are you doing here?” she said with an edge in her voice.
“What? I’m not allowed to visit my sister anymore?”
“Well, it’s just you haven’t been here in like a year and its just very unexpected…” she said trailing off and looking nervously behind her.
“So where’s Barry?” I asked, bringing her back to the conversation
“Who? Barry? We broke up.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah…it’s fine…um..”
“um, can I come in?”
“Oh! Sure. I um…yeah. Sure” She said leading me into the kitchen. When we got there she started to pour us some drinks and as she did a girl of about 22 walked in.
“Hi?’ she said looking between me and my sister questioningly.
“Sarah, this is my brother, Oliver. Oliver, this is Sarah.” She put so much emphasis on the word brother I was really curious as to why.
“Hi Sarah, nice to meet you.” I said putting my hand out to shake hand which she didn’t take, so I awkwardly put my hand back in my pocket. There was a really weird air wafting about the room now, it was full of tension.
“Um..where’s the bathroom?”
“Upstairs, first door on the left”
“Kay” I said walking out of there quickly. I trotted hurriedly up the stairs and walked into the bathroom. I turned on the fan just in case and poured out the smallest line, I didn’t want to waste it since I was low on money and coke. I pulled my dollar bill out of my pocket rolled it up then set it in front of the line and inhaled with force through my right nostril. As the coke traveled through my nose I could feel it’s affects almost immediately. I wasn’t tired anymore and I was hyper. I flushed the toilet to make it seem as if I’d gone to the bathroom and walked out and bumped smack into Sarah.
“O-Oh my god. I’m so sorry, Sarah” I said nervously.
“it’s fine. I just came up here to ask if you wanted to stay for…honey, your nose is bleeding” she said with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh is it?! Crap. I um..must have hit my nose when we bumped into each other.” I said quickly walking back into the bathroom to get tissue.
“Yeah, I’m sure. You have a very sensitive nose” she said laughing lightly.”
“Yeah, I was in an accident a few years ago and I got some unusual nasal damage so when I get hit in the nose sometimes it bleeds for like no reason.”
“oh.”
“Yep..”
“So will you be staying for dinner?”
“Oh, sure, that’s if it’s okay with the both of you”
“Of course!” she said smiling and walking back down stairs.
I looked at myself in the mirror, it must have been the first time in days because I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me, he blinked at the same time as me, had a bloody nose in the same nostril but he was unrecognizable.
My usually tamed wavy brown hair was all over the place, like I’d been lost in a jungle for weeks, minus jungle debris and my dark eyes looked so dull with big purple rings around then and my skin was raw and prickly, my cheeks shallow and pale. I furrowed my eyebrows in disbelief.
“I cannot believe that this is what I’ve come to..” I said finally hearing my own voice. It too was raw and raspy.
“I’m a goddamned mess” I said as my eyes began to water.
“That you are little bro” My sister said matter of factly as I whipped around in surprise.
“Madison!”
“Oliver!’ she mimicked me walking into the bathroom with me.
“Maddie…I…”
“Hush. I know, I can see it, and yes, you can stay with me for aslong as you want.”
“Wait. You know what?”
“That you’re recently homeless? Look at you!”
“Oh. Yeah…I’m sorry I just popped in on you like this.”
“Ollie, it’s fine.” She said smiling reassuringly, “go ahead and take a shower, I’m gonna go start dinner”
“Okay. Thanks Maddie. You’re the best.” I said closing the door behind her as she went back downstairs.
I started the shower, making the water not too cold but relatively hot. I’d realized that I was really cold. I stepped in and as the hot water cascaded down my body and the steam came off I tilted my head back and thought about the mistakes I was making in life, and the ways I needed to fix them. Starting with my little addiction; and as if on cue I sniffed. Ha. I decided I was kind of weak so I sat down on the floor of the bath and let the water fall on me like rain. It was really relaxing, so much so that I fell asleep.
It must have been about a half an hour later because my sister was knocking rapidly on the door with worry evident in her voice.
“OLIVER!!! ARE YOU OKAY?!”
“Hmmm? Oh yeah! Im fine!”
“You sure?”
“Positive!”
“Okay well hurry up and get out, I put some of Barry’s old pajamas outside the door for you, so I can wash your clothes."
“Okay thanks!” I said turning off the shower and stepping out. I dried myself mechanically and quickly grabbed the pajamas from outside the door. She even thought of boxers. She really is the best. I pulled them on and sprinted quickly down the stairs. I walked into the kitchen but neither Maddie nor Sarah were there but I heard them talking mutely in another room so I followed the sound of their voices. When I walked into the room they both looked startled to see me, I think it was because Sarah had been sitting on Maddie’s lap. I smiled awkwardly at them and sat in the chair adjacent to my sister. Sarah got up timidly and sat across from me.
“So, Oliver, I have something to tell you” she said anxiously
“Okay, I’m all ears” I replied cocking my head to the side.
“Well, um…sarah and I are…um…Sarah and I are…”
“DATING!” Sarah said explosively finishing Maddie’s sentence. Maddie sat there pin straight with a look of fright frozen on her face.
“Really?”
“Yeah” Sarah said breathing heavily.
“So Madds you’re a lesbian or Bi?”
“Lesbian..” she whispered looking down at her plate.
“Is this what all this tension is about?”
“Yeah…”
“Maddie. I don’t care. Whatever makes you happy, you’re my big sister, and my best friend, Trevor is gay.”
“Really? You don’t mind?!”
“Of course not!” I said smiling at her.
“That’s such a relief.” She said laughing the tension away.
I turned to Sarah and smiled at the way she looked at my sister it was so sweet and it reminded me of the way I used to look at Elise.
“Sarah, you really love her don’t you?”
“How’d you know?” she asked squeezing my sister’s hand.
“the way you looked at her, it’s the same way I looked at Elise when I knew.”
“Is Elise your girlfriend?”
“More or less, yeah” I said shoveling some potatoes into my mouth.
“What do you mean?”
“Um, you know how I said I’d been in an accident a few years ago?”
“Yeah, well she was there too…only she didn’t make it.”
“Oh. Oliver, I’m so sorry to hear that!”
“Yeah, she’s the only girl I’ve ever been completely and irrevocably in love with, and when she was still here, we made a pact, jokingly of course that if one of us died that we’d then be in an open relationship, whoever died could date whoever they wanted wherever they end up and whoever lived could date whoever they wanted; As long as we never fell in love with anyone else.”
“That’s sweet.”
“Yeah…”
SIX
After dinner Sarah went out somewhere and Madison went upstairs to sleep. I sat in the living room and watched TV on their huge flat screen. I was watching one of those rehabilitation shows, where they help people with their addictions. It was really hard to watch too because the girl they were talking to was addicted to coke. And it was really scary because I knew everything that she was talking about, although she wasn’t as bad as I was and the scariest thing about it was she looked almost identical to Elise. They were like…twins. The girl’s name was Audrina, and she was just as beautiful as Elise but with a different hair color, the color of honey. But…her eyes were the same deep beautiful Hazel eyes. It was when they went to commercial that I realized I’d been holding my breath and let it out harshly.
I spread my body out on the couch and lay towards the TV. It came back on and again as they were talking to Audrina, she tool my breath away. I sat there staring at her. Burning her face into my brain as the memories me and Elise shared. Our first date, Our one year anniversary, our 3 year anniversary, our first time, the times she needed me more than anything like when her mother died, when her father left, when her sister needed a place to stay and she stayed with us. I love her so much. I’d do anything to have her back. And it’s all my fault that I can’t.
“Oliver? Oliver! Are you okay?!” Madison was shaking me trying to break my hold against my knees as I was in the feedle position, crying harder than I’ve ever cried before. My body shook with every tremble. Each sob took so much energy out of me.
“Oliver! What’s wrong?” I couldn’t even answer her. I just continued crying. It’s all I could do. I grabbed onto her and let every tear in my system fall from my eyes. I cried until my eyes dried out and I was just hiccupping. I let go of my sister and looked at her face. She looked so terrified.
“Maddie, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine. Just…what happened?”
“I…I was watching some rehab show. And the girl….looked just like Elise…And she was everything Elise was…and it can’t be possible. Elise is gone…and I didn’t even know I was crying until you started screaming at me.”
“Oh, Oliver. I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say to you.” She said hugging me tighter, “I love you, and you can stay here as long as you want.”
“I can’t Maddie” I said looking her in the eyes with sincerity and she returned my look with confusion.
“Why…”
“I’m addicted to coke.”
“What?” she exclaimed her eyes opening in surprise.
“I’m a cokehead. And I have been for a while. Like a few years. And the reason I came here tonight is because my friends were trying to get me to go to rehab. I didn’t want to go though; I’m terrified because whenever I even think about quitting my body starts to shake. But now I realize I need to, seeing the way they are in those places? I think I can do it. It’ll give me a place to vent and maybe heal about Elise.”
“I’ll pay for you.”
“No. No Maddie you don’t need to do that, I’m gonna stay with Max. I’m going to one in California.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“Well I’ll take you to the airport and I’ll call Max right now.”
“Okay…but I need to go to my house to get my stuff.”
“No, stay here and rest, call one of your friends and have them bring it to you here.”
“Okay…” I said getting up and pulling my cell phone out of my pocket. I called Ronnie first. She forwarded me to voicemail.
“Ronnie, I’m going to Rehab. I’m at my sister’s house right now in Astoria. I wanted to know if you’d come bring my stuff to her house, and maybe if you weren’t still mad at me since im making this change…her address is 21-05 43rd st. take a cab and I’ll pay. Just come. Thanks.” I hung up and plopped back down on the couch.
“I’m gonna go buy your plane ticket. Go to sleep.”
“Mhmm” I said already half asleep.
I was walking down East 8th street towards Washington Square Park. It was a bright sunny day and I was walking down the street a huge smile on my face as I saw the person I was going to meet. Elise. Oh, she was so beautiful. I lifted a hand to wave at her, but then she turned around and started walking in farther and farther away from me.
“Elise!” I yelled to her picking up my pace, but as soon as I did she quickened her own pace.
“Elise! Stop!” I said running after her but she started running faster. I finally stopped, giving up; hoping maybe she would stop too and realize this game wasn’t funny. And she did; only she turned and looked me in the eye, laughed menacingly and down the street and out of sight.
“Elise!” I screamed sitting up frantically reaching out for her, “Ugh. What. The. Fuck!” I shouted throwing a pillow at the floor just as the doorbell rang. I walked over to the door and opened it thinking it was probably Sarah. I stood there in astonishment as I saw who it was.
“I…I didn’t think you’d actually come”
“I had to.”
“I love you”
“I love you too, Ollie.”
Ronnie smiled crookedly at me as I stood in front of her in the door way wondering how I lucked out with such a good friend. As I pondered this as Maddie came down the stairs wondering who was at the door and if it was Sarah.
“No, it’s my friend Ronnie!” I hollered to her.
“Ronnie, come in” I said pulling her inside.
I lead her to into the living room where I was just sleeping and sat her down right as the show came back on.
“Ronnie!! Look! Doesn’t she look just like Elise??”
“No…”
“Yes! Look at her eyes…A-and her smile. Listen to her voice! The only thing different is her accent is gone and her hair is that stupid color.” I exclaimed edgily
“Oh…oh my god…Ollie. Turn it off” she said uneasily.
“why??”
“Because; Your flying off the handle. I know, she does look and sound like Elise but it’s not possible for it to be her.”
“How do you know? Maybe she faked her death…” I said frantically, the tears returning to my eyes as I realized how ridiculous I was sounding. There was no possible way my Elise was still alive. Admitting that made it so much worse and I broke down again. Ronnie pulled me to her lap and let me rest my head there as she stroked my hair.
“Are you going to come with me to California?” I sniffled.
“Yes, of course.”
“How long?”
“However long you want me there” she said solemnly.
“Promise?”
“Pinky swear.” She said, a smile obvious in her voice. I smiled too as my sister came in from the kitchen.
“I just talked to Max; he said its fine for both of you to stay for as long as you want. Even though, Oliver, you won’t really be staying there for longer than a week because you’ll be in the rehab center, but it’s only a few blocks from his house so..Ronnie? you can stay as long as you need.”
“Awesome” Ronnie said as I sat up.
“Yes, and if you need me to Ronnie, I’ll be able to pay for your plane ticket as well.”
“oh, no no that’s not necessary. I have money.”
“Okay then, we’ll leave Sunday morning.”
“Okay” Ronnie and I said in unison.
